As per the classic bit in the 40 Year Old Virgin movie, reasons such as listening to Cold Play are a dead give away but don't necessarily mean you are immediately gay - just confused. BUT, I was watching a re-run of the Colbert Report and he had a gay guy on that showed tell tale, physical, signs that someone has the propensity to be gay.
If your hair, at the crown of your head, spirals clockwise - you may be gay. I don't quite know how you check this out on yourself. I guess you could rig up a bunch of mirrors to find out OR you could ask the next guy you are blowing which way your hair swirls.
The other way is if you Pointer finger is longer than your Ring finger. OK, every guy reading this is checking themselves out now... Its true. Most women's Pointer is longer than their Ring. Thus if a man has this characteristic he may demonstrate a more feminine demeanor. Same thing holds true for lesbians. Most tend to have longer Ring fingers than Pointers.
What they are trying to do is justify that your are born this way. I am not sure about that. I really believe that George Michael makes a conscious decision to blow everyone in public park bathroom stalls - I don't think God made him that way.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Name says it all...
OK, so i am getting ready for the weekend - The Wanker and Wife are coming to the ATL to visit and help your humble narrator do some home improvements. The Fiance bought some pedestal sinks and it's now time to re-do the upstairs bathroom.
I have been working on Demo-ing the bathroom before the Wanker gets here. Took off the molding, popped off the mirror and hurt the girl in the process, now I am trying to demo the vanity/sink. When they built our house they installed the vanity over the water pipes (which come out of the floor) THEN the fuckchops soldered the pipes together and put the splash guards on so that NOW IT IS IMPOSSIBLE to take out.
I had bought a Jig Saw but this did not have the clearance to get the blade down behind the pipes and under the splash guards. So, what was I to do.?.? OH keeper of the Lowe's credit card, can I borrow the credit card so I can get a SawsAll? As soon as I said that I said to myself, SHIT now I will be spending 20 minutes explaining was a sawsall is... Luckily, all she said was OK.
SawsAlls fucking kick ass... 3 minutes and I have sawed the shit out of that vainity. I even bent my 1st blade... Ooops...
Tomorrow I gotta take out the vanity - that should be fun.
I have been working on Demo-ing the bathroom before the Wanker gets here. Took off the molding, popped off the mirror and hurt the girl in the process, now I am trying to demo the vanity/sink. When they built our house they installed the vanity over the water pipes (which come out of the floor) THEN the fuckchops soldered the pipes together and put the splash guards on so that NOW IT IS IMPOSSIBLE to take out.
I had bought a Jig Saw but this did not have the clearance to get the blade down behind the pipes and under the splash guards. So, what was I to do.?.? OH keeper of the Lowe's credit card, can I borrow the credit card so I can get a SawsAll? As soon as I said that I said to myself, SHIT now I will be spending 20 minutes explaining was a sawsall is... Luckily, all she said was OK.
SawsAlls fucking kick ass... 3 minutes and I have sawed the shit out of that vainity. I even bent my 1st blade... Ooops...
Tomorrow I gotta take out the vanity - that should be fun.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Preacher Man
This past weekend me and the Fiancee went to Savannah to see her family and to have our 1st meeting with the Pastor of Isle of Hope United Methodist Church. We were both apprehensive on the drive down. I asked the girl the uncomfortable question of Why she Loves me? And was met with an even more uncomfortable silence. That's how my weekend went.
We get infront of the Preacher Man and he seems OK. How long have you known each other, what kind of work do you do, do you go to church regularly, etc.?
The great question is one he did not ask... What do you like best about Brandi? I had practiced this response infront of her family the night before and it went over big... Hmmm what do I like about the Fiance?
We get infront of the Preacher Man and he seems OK. How long have you known each other, what kind of work do you do, do you go to church regularly, etc.?
The great question is one he did not ask... What do you like best about Brandi? I had practiced this response infront of her family the night before and it went over big... Hmmm what do I like about the Fiance?
- I like the fact that she doesn't bruise easily
- I like the fact that she knows her place
- I like the fact that she no longer charges me extra for that thing she does with her tongue, but she still does charge me.
These are great responses that I didn't get to use... Dammit.
Now we have homework to do and turn in to see if he needs us to come back in for counseling. These are some tough Q's.
What was your relationship like with your father during your teen? *What kind of question is that EVERY guy hated their old man during those years.
How happy were you growing up? *I guess I was happy. I didn't know we were poor until I was in Middle School because I always had what I needed. I became a miserable Fuck as the years progressed.
How many romantic relationships were you in previously? *Do they want a number or details?
Weird stuff here. Makes me think I should be laying on a leather couch with Sigmund F. sitting in the chair taking notes and commenting that although I was breastfed I don't seem well adjusted.
Such is life. I think we can pass the test so we don't have to go back....
Friday, July 6, 2007
WHAT a Weekend???
OK, I have just now been able to clear my head enough to explain how GREAT last weekend was - and I am ready to do it again.
Money and I fly to Charleston on Thursday afternoon. Money ran the dry run (or, wet run as it were) by getting his 1 quart plastic bag and placing 6 mini bottles in it and running it thru the security checkpoint. TSA did not stop him, ask any questions, or do the full body cavity search. SCORE. As long as it is less that 3 oz they can't say any thing.
We rent the Dodge Charger and try to put the golf clubs in the trunk - that wasn't going to happen. Magic's hard club carrier was a bitch to fit in the car so we laid the seats down. I love traveling with golf clubs - It's like giving all the other men at the baggage claim the subtle FINGER, "I came here to play golf - you came with your family - I win Fucker!!!"
We take Momma out to dinner and dump her back home and go out.
We hit Madra Rua in old Downtown North Charleston and it is awesome. We take pen and paper and start making rules and penalties for Friday's golf match. We come up with a grid with group scores, lowest score, least amount of putts, closest to the pin, etc. Then we came up with individual penalties that went into the Penalty Bucket: 3 putts or more, double par or worse, lost ball, not driving past women's tee's, 2 or more shots in the same sandtrap, etc. All these penalties could be won by the putt off at the end of the match. That made it fun. Each player had a full piece of paper with an 18 hole grid to make sure we counted all the strokes and penalties correctly... (Shit, that made my Drysophila Melanogaster's Chi Square look elementary)
We get up early Friday and make our way over to the Wanker's house. While Mr. Wanker took wanker jr and wankerette to Granny's house, we looked at his new deck - WOW! No freaking way I could have done what he did. 3 tier deck complete with lights inlaid on the stairs that lead down to the outdoor fireplace. It looks great BUT i am still concerned about the fire's we might have in that thing and the overhanging trees. (Fire Dept is 2 miles away.)
We get to the Golf Course and it is already hot. Go to pay and there is a sign on the clubhouse door - Beware of Aligator on #6. That's all it says. Do they think that is enough of a disclaimer? We get out there and I am shooting TERRIBLE! Put it to you this way, I shot 6 under par on the front - thats a 66 on the front I should have quit right there. It was a test of patience to try and keep score. OK, I got an 8 with at 3 putt, 2 shots in the same trap, 1 lost ball, double par, drive didn't make it past ladies tees= shit 1 hold could cost you $10.
By the end of the day I was down more than double than anyone else in the Penalty Bucket. I had to win that one but the Wanker won it on a 1 putt from 20 feet. Short fucker.
Poker wasn't much better but it seems like I was able to fold when needed and stay in hands when I felt good. I never had a big stack bacause people kept buying chips from me. So I had money but never many chips. Towards the end of the night it got a little heated and I got put out. Rogman won the big game and came out ahead >$200. It's about 2am and Money says "I still have $20 - let's keep playing." Well I turn on the jets and have a pretty good lead but when it got down to just 2 of us I offered the other guy a split of the pot which took me ahead for the day by $10, damn golf penalties. Time to sleep @ 3:30.
9am came pretty damn early and I was not a happy camper. Oooof. My stomach was not looking forward to getting out on the water... Ooof. Money, Rogman, even the Wanker cracked beers as soon as we got into the water. I just sat there. Ooof. We made it down the Ashley River and were going to cross the Harbor to the Cooper but Wank says, nah, let's get lunch first. GREAT idea. I needed greasy food and a place to use the facilities. Took a MONSTER and by the time I got back to the table a double Captain n Sprite was waiting for me. Shit, there was no Sprite in there. Greasy fries, just what the Dr. ordered. I'm back. Bring me another drink... I just think I was full of shit - literally. We head across the Harbor, my first time going from river to river and the little boat was bouncing all over the place. The new Cooper River Bridge is really impressive. Then back to the Ashley. The tide had been going out all day and was still going out. We drove almost all they way back in about 2 feet of water or less. Wanker's never had so much weight in his boat at low tide before. Me and Rogman had to be on opposite sides of the boat... Kinda hairy up the river. "I don't know where we're going but one look at you Captain and I know it's going to be hot." compliments of Chief from Apocalypse Now.
We get back right in front of the thunderstorm.
Dinner at the Wanker's was great... He didn't want to cut/chop the boston butt so he hand picked the whole thing. Kinda over kill but it was damn good. More beers, more good times. After dinner I kinda missed some of the conversation. I was nodding off like a mo-fo. Jesus I was tired. Money and I made it back to Momma's house and I couldnt keep my eyes open. No going out tonight.
Sunday I felt MUCH better after getting some sleep. Time to work. I cut some bushes, and then pulled out the old pool cover. THat was NASTY as shit. Money helped me put on the new one, so at least 1 chore was done. We made it back to Madra Rua for brunch. LET THE DRINKING BEGIN... Start with a Smithwicks and Money has Bloody Mary. Couple of these later here comes the Rogman. He proceeds to explain that no Brunch is complete without Red Bull Mimosas... Ooof. Couple of those then back to beer. We get out of there close to 3 and get to the airport - just in time for the Rain. FINALLY make it back to ATL.
WHAT A WEEKEND...
Have I fully recovered??? I hope not...
One thing I do know is - I have the Best Friends in the World... I will put up my friends against anyone elses friends in a WWE Battle Royal and know that we came in with the Belt and we're going out with the Belt -because they are THE BEST IN THIS SPORT TODAY - Woooo!!!! thank you Ric Flair.
Money and I fly to Charleston on Thursday afternoon. Money ran the dry run (or, wet run as it were) by getting his 1 quart plastic bag and placing 6 mini bottles in it and running it thru the security checkpoint. TSA did not stop him, ask any questions, or do the full body cavity search. SCORE. As long as it is less that 3 oz they can't say any thing.
We rent the Dodge Charger and try to put the golf clubs in the trunk - that wasn't going to happen. Magic's hard club carrier was a bitch to fit in the car so we laid the seats down. I love traveling with golf clubs - It's like giving all the other men at the baggage claim the subtle FINGER, "I came here to play golf - you came with your family - I win Fucker!!!"
We take Momma out to dinner and dump her back home and go out.
We hit Madra Rua in old Downtown North Charleston and it is awesome. We take pen and paper and start making rules and penalties for Friday's golf match. We come up with a grid with group scores, lowest score, least amount of putts, closest to the pin, etc. Then we came up with individual penalties that went into the Penalty Bucket: 3 putts or more, double par or worse, lost ball, not driving past women's tee's, 2 or more shots in the same sandtrap, etc. All these penalties could be won by the putt off at the end of the match. That made it fun. Each player had a full piece of paper with an 18 hole grid to make sure we counted all the strokes and penalties correctly... (Shit, that made my Drysophila Melanogaster's Chi Square look elementary)
We get up early Friday and make our way over to the Wanker's house. While Mr. Wanker took wanker jr and wankerette to Granny's house, we looked at his new deck - WOW! No freaking way I could have done what he did. 3 tier deck complete with lights inlaid on the stairs that lead down to the outdoor fireplace. It looks great BUT i am still concerned about the fire's we might have in that thing and the overhanging trees. (Fire Dept is 2 miles away.)
We get to the Golf Course and it is already hot. Go to pay and there is a sign on the clubhouse door - Beware of Aligator on #6. That's all it says. Do they think that is enough of a disclaimer? We get out there and I am shooting TERRIBLE! Put it to you this way, I shot 6 under par on the front - thats a 66 on the front I should have quit right there. It was a test of patience to try and keep score. OK, I got an 8 with at 3 putt, 2 shots in the same trap, 1 lost ball, double par, drive didn't make it past ladies tees= shit 1 hold could cost you $10.
By the end of the day I was down more than double than anyone else in the Penalty Bucket. I had to win that one but the Wanker won it on a 1 putt from 20 feet. Short fucker.
Poker wasn't much better but it seems like I was able to fold when needed and stay in hands when I felt good. I never had a big stack bacause people kept buying chips from me. So I had money but never many chips. Towards the end of the night it got a little heated and I got put out. Rogman won the big game and came out ahead >$200. It's about 2am and Money says "I still have $20 - let's keep playing." Well I turn on the jets and have a pretty good lead but when it got down to just 2 of us I offered the other guy a split of the pot which took me ahead for the day by $10, damn golf penalties. Time to sleep @ 3:30.
9am came pretty damn early and I was not a happy camper. Oooof. My stomach was not looking forward to getting out on the water... Ooof. Money, Rogman, even the Wanker cracked beers as soon as we got into the water. I just sat there. Ooof. We made it down the Ashley River and were going to cross the Harbor to the Cooper but Wank says, nah, let's get lunch first. GREAT idea. I needed greasy food and a place to use the facilities. Took a MONSTER and by the time I got back to the table a double Captain n Sprite was waiting for me. Shit, there was no Sprite in there. Greasy fries, just what the Dr. ordered. I'm back. Bring me another drink... I just think I was full of shit - literally. We head across the Harbor, my first time going from river to river and the little boat was bouncing all over the place. The new Cooper River Bridge is really impressive. Then back to the Ashley. The tide had been going out all day and was still going out. We drove almost all they way back in about 2 feet of water or less. Wanker's never had so much weight in his boat at low tide before. Me and Rogman had to be on opposite sides of the boat... Kinda hairy up the river. "I don't know where we're going but one look at you Captain and I know it's going to be hot." compliments of Chief from Apocalypse Now.
We get back right in front of the thunderstorm.
Dinner at the Wanker's was great... He didn't want to cut/chop the boston butt so he hand picked the whole thing. Kinda over kill but it was damn good. More beers, more good times. After dinner I kinda missed some of the conversation. I was nodding off like a mo-fo. Jesus I was tired. Money and I made it back to Momma's house and I couldnt keep my eyes open. No going out tonight.
Sunday I felt MUCH better after getting some sleep. Time to work. I cut some bushes, and then pulled out the old pool cover. THat was NASTY as shit. Money helped me put on the new one, so at least 1 chore was done. We made it back to Madra Rua for brunch. LET THE DRINKING BEGIN... Start with a Smithwicks and Money has Bloody Mary. Couple of these later here comes the Rogman. He proceeds to explain that no Brunch is complete without Red Bull Mimosas... Ooof. Couple of those then back to beer. We get out of there close to 3 and get to the airport - just in time for the Rain. FINALLY make it back to ATL.
WHAT A WEEKEND...
Have I fully recovered??? I hope not...
One thing I do know is - I have the Best Friends in the World... I will put up my friends against anyone elses friends in a WWE Battle Royal and know that we came in with the Belt and we're going out with the Belt -because they are THE BEST IN THIS SPORT TODAY - Woooo!!!! thank you Ric Flair.
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